How can one move forward if they are not willing to forgive their past? This is something that I have struggled with for the majority of my adult life. I remember when I was a young girl and my grandma told me to protect what I engage in. The most simplistic way of explaining this is to see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. I have felt for many years that if I had listened then there would be nothing to regret. After speaking with a dear friend of mine, I had come to realize how little my friends actually know about my past. I proceeded to air my dirty laundry with her and then beat myself up about it. After going back and forth about all the what ifs, she stopped me and said, “Then why even try.” I paused for a moment and gave that some deep thought before responding, “try what?”. Words of wisdom were spoken that night and might even turn my attitude towards myself around.
For many years I have been reading books on how to self improve, learn to love yourself, laws of attraction and anything that could help change my circumstances around. I divulge into these books with all of my being and really take into account what is being said. There is nothing more that I want in my life then to move forward and lessen the fear, stress and anxiety that weighs me down daily. I dream of the day I can be that person for someone who has doubts of their self-being because of their past, something they have no control of.
Well that’s what my friend did for me, she proceeded to reiterate parts of our conversation. “You went to school to better yourself”, “You changed more than most of us thought was possible”, “You have a great job and are moving up”, “So why even try to better yourself if you are going to beat yourself up about your past for the rest of your life”, “Just go back to what you used to do and who you used to be and be done with trying to do better“. Yikes, I guess that is the choice, right? Yes, it is true, I can’t change it, period. There’s no way to go back and make different choices. I have to stop thinking that if I run around town and tell everyone of all my crappy choices in life I might feel somewhat liberated about it. I would look nuts if I attempted such a thing. So maybe I don’t have to dream of the day I can turn my past from a negative into a positive and I can start to live with the attitude that my past will somehow motivate others to achieve their dreams. I’d be interested to see if anyone else has had this same struggle and has overcome it.
This morning has been super uneventful and considering I have a couple of days off from work, I imagined it going very differently.
Yesterday was the first day I have had off during the work week since last April, ok I lied, I had time off during September but it was for bereavement so I didn’t really consider that voluntary time off to be productive. At any rate, my husband and I planned on doing so much on these couple of days off like catching up on our house since we haven’t had the chance to since we bought it last July. Maybe we had some time, but we didn’t “feel” that we were able to accomplish tasks that need to be done to consider ourselves fully moved in.
Well, as you can imagine, we haven’t really accomplished much since yesterday. Here I am day two of my time off and have spent the last 4 hours searching websites on how to make passive income. I found myself taking these senseless surveys rather than accomplishing a goal that we had spelled out prior to taking time off. The worst part is that yesterday I spent most of the day looking for deals on a vacation to St. Lucia and with no savings to speak of.
Let me back up a little so that there is a clear understanding to why I would even want to start a blog. For 10 years now I have been a parent to my own child and then to my step son for the last 6 years. My husband and I have spent 6 years together with half custody of our children allowing us ample time to discuss our past, current and future life together. Every night after work we talk for hours about different ideas on how to improve our lives. For example we had decided that finishing my college education was beneficial for our family. For 4 years I went to college while working full time and my husband took care of everything at home after or during his work week. Well, last year I finished college and moved up the ranks a little in my job that afforded me the opportunity to get licensed in selling securities. In December I passed all the exams to become fully licensed for my next position. Now it’s January I’m getting a bit bored because I feel that I don’t have a long term goal set and working towards. Before I get to much off of subject, my point is that we have set goals, not just those that I have mentioned but other really great ideas that have fell through the cracks.
Why I’m writing this blog is more than just to sit here and reveal all that I have done or want to do, because I’m not even sure if people read these things. What I’m hoping is that it helps keep me accountable for those ideas that we have conversations about and stick to them.