Forgiving Myself

Forgiving Myself

How can one move forward if they are not willing to forgive their past? This is something that I have struggled with for the majority of my adult life. I remember when I was a young girl and my grandma told me to protect what I engage in. The most simplistic way of explaining this is to see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil.  I have felt for many years that if I had listened then there would be nothing to regret. After speaking with a dear friend of mine, I had come to realize how little my friends actually know about my past. I proceeded to air my dirty laundry with her and then beat myself up about it. After going back and forth about all the what ifs, she stopped me and said, “Then why even try.” I paused for a moment and gave that some deep thought before responding, “try what?”. Words of wisdom were spoken that night and might even turn my attitude towards myself around.

For many years I have been reading books on how to self improve, learn to love yourself, laws of attraction and anything that could help change my circumstances around. I divulge into these books with all of my being and really take into account what is being said. There is nothing more that I want in my life then to move forward and lessen the fear, stress and anxiety that weighs me down daily. I dream of the day I can be that person for someone who has doubts of their self-being because of their past, something they have no control of.

Well that’s what my friend did for me, she proceeded to reiterate parts of our conversation. “You went to school to better yourself”, “You changed more than most of us thought was possible”, “You have a great job and are moving up”, “So why even try to better yourself if you are going to beat yourself up about your past for the rest of your life”, “Just go back to what you used to do and who you used to be and be done with trying to do better“. Yikes, I guess that is the choice, right? Yes, it is true, I can’t change it, period. There’s no way to go back and make different choices. I have to stop thinking that if I run around town and tell everyone of all my crappy choices in life I might feel somewhat liberated about it. I would look nuts if I attempted such a thing. So maybe I don’t have to dream of the day I can turn my past from a negative into a positive and I can start to live with the attitude that my past will somehow motivate others to achieve their dreams. I’d be interested to see if anyone else has had this same struggle and has overcome it.

-Angela